I'm going to stop beating myself up for a little bit. Just for a little while. There isn't one person, NOT ONE, that has guided me, consoled me through these tough times or even cared to listen to what I really want to say. Nobody has been there for me, no one has tried to even lift a finger or to give me a useless word of advice at the very least. I know when you're trying to help and I have seen no effort FROM ANYONE. Nobody knows how to differentiate the solemn tones in my voice, nobody knows me well enough to know that something is wrong. I have to reveal my vulnerable side for anyone to even notice, I have to show physical distraught for people to take the time of day and say, "Oh shit you're crying, there must be something wrong." Fuck you.
Maybe it's my fault for not asking for help. Maybe it's my fault because I rely too much on self absorbed people who would totally show up at my funeral just to show up, maybe a cry a little and totally miss the point of my existence. Maybe my problems are a little too extreme and not just anyone can help me get through. A simple gesture of comfort would suffice. It would be nice for someone to lend me their shoulder to cry on. Thanks nobody, I appreciate you.
The Lord spoke to me tonight at church and made me realize that only he is to be trusted. He knows I was THIS close to giving up and picked me up off the floor while the rest of you were busy kicking me when I was down. He made me feel so valuable and gave me the abundant love that I have wasted on you. I forgive you. In all seriousness, I really do forgive you. You're ignorant and stupid but most of all, inexperienced, therefore I have to let go of my anger towards you, be the bigger person and move on. Life continues, things get better and worse, but God will never give you anything you can't handle. If you're living the luxurious life it's because you wouldn't last a day in mine. And if you're livin' like me, don't give up. There are so many things out there that God has prepared just for you.
*If you think this refers to you, it totally does. It refers to all animals known as human beings that consider themselves as my friends, acquaintances, or have ever spoken to me. Nobody escapes.